the truth is, it was mother’s day. and i was scared. that little app kept alerting me that something should have happened six days ago, that frankly, hadn’t.
the truth then was, i had to take it. ’twas the longest, scariest 3 minutes. i grabbed it, palm over the results and gave it j.
“you’ve gotta look. i can’t do it.”
his response: “are you sh&%%*$@! me?” while holding his arms wide open for an incredible and needed embrace with a beautiful smile.
to say i was shocked…well, that’s not justice. i was also a little sad.
you see, this was not MY timing. and I didn’t think it was possible. I was not ready. we’re not ready. but how ca— a continual flock of negative thoughts entered my mind. will my parents even be excited?
gah, it’s like i never learn. it’s not about me.
the truth is i have pcos. so really, i didn’t think this was possible. in fact, 4-5 weeks earlier i went to the doctor (you know…that one) and she confirmed with some blood/lab results that i do in fact have pcos and it would be probably a little harder for us. but, there were medications so not to worry and when we were ready, i’d give them a try. so no, i wasn’t on anything. i was having terrible side effects and it wasn’t worth it…that coupled with pcos led me to believe it would be a journey for us.
the day the pcos was confirmed. i cried. i hurt. so badly. i knew i was meant to be a mama. i did. but then i felt this rush of peace…this small, still, and warm voice that said…
“i’ve got this” and so, i. let. it. go.
and oh, did He.
at week 7, we created a special memory. we went home to share this news with our family…who were shocked. as we ordered drinks, the two of us stood at the front of the table. we had cards for our family members. inside each card was a little note from baby bean to that grandparent.
i’ll always remember their gasps of excitement.
the following week we spent there with our family was incredible.
were are blessed…literally beyond imagination.
later on, i apologized to myself and others. i just thought i needed to. some have such trouble in this arena and who was i to be unthankful? i now have such assurance that this is what is meant to be.
i know. and i have the strength and protection and provision from a mighty creator to cover everything…along with an incredible partner in crime/guitar-serenading/always faithful j.
so, even if you’ve been told:
“it’s too hard”
just believe in what you know is true. be at peace. pray for it to happen and most importantly…
believe it will.
and i’ll believe and pray with you.
hope this brings you hope.
all my love,
some of the special people that were that to soak in that memory